I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
