Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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