shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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