Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
