No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
