I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
