I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
