Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
