I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
