last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
