i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
