So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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