Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
