All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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