20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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