Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
