hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
