No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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