I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
