u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
