Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
