So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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