i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
