Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
