im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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