Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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