just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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