I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
