This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
