At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
