My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
