True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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