just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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