The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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