Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
