she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
