i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
At least life still wants to fuck me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I deserve this hangover.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
