You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
