I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
