I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I need water and some morals
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
