My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
