I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
