Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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