we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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