somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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