Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
When did angry sex become our thing?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
