I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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