Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
