God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's official drugs can't kill me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
