I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
