Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
